MY PRESIDENCY!

I ran for President this year, and I'm pretty damn sure I won.

I'm pretty sure this election was rigged.  In many cases, the state or county registrars left my name off your ballot.

So, my name was filled in on every ballot of every person I knew, and the people they knew, and so on, and son on.

Yet I'm not being recognized as the rightful President-elect.

Not one voting machine reported any of the votes I know were made for me.

I have filed at least 7-10 lawsuits in the court of public opinion and nothing is being done.

They appear to be too busy trying to make a case for this other guy that was your last President.

And seeing how this election was clearly fixed so that I would never get into the White House, I want you all to do what any patriotic, American should and would do: Tell Joe what's-his-name and Kamala Harris to abdicate the office and acknowledge these fake results so that my rightful title of President-elect can be bestowed upon me.

I don't expect your congratulations just yet, though a few simple moments of recognition would go a lot farther for you in my new administration.  For example:

Those that make a phone call to me congratulating on me on my Presidency will receive a thank-you card with my picture on it and a chance to listen to me in person list all the things I will be doing as your President.

Those who take the time to send me an actual letter will receive a Starbucks coffee card, on which you can load up money and buy coffee for free (once your money is on it) and have my ear for thirty seconds of uninterrupted kvetching.

Those who send donations to help fight off this criminality will receive a picture and an itemized list of things on my agenda as your new President, and a pin you can wear with a ribbon (you'll need to buy the ribbon, but the safety pin is on this administration).

Keep in mind, the only way to feel safe in America is for our elections to be protected.  And thus, you must stand up and fight for your rightful President. Me!

If you do not, you will find that you will be ignored at every level, like I have been, and will notice that nothing you want done will get done, like Friday's off, or the return of the twenty-five cents scoop of ice cream at Thrifty.  

Important things like mandatory masks that allow you give raspberries to people you don't like will never be created.  That tongue slit was my idea I'll have you know, and is a major part of my platform this year.  On day one, January 20, even before I'm inaugurated, I'll sign an executive order making it so.

Remember, the status and security of this country lies with your actions the next 30 days or so.  Electoral College, Smemectoral College....this college has zero graduates the past ten years -- so much for turning out educated voters.  Ignoramauses.

Stand up for what is right -- your President-elect and duly elected Vice President:  Me and me!

Thank you for your patriotism and your love of this country.

Meanwhile, I'm headed back to Rite Aid - I'm a little annoyed they took down their Thrifty sign in a an effort to disguise their treachery with the ice cream. 

This will not stand!

Yours truly.

President-elect Jonathan Phillips