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Comedian Michael McIntyre has an entire stand up set on simply getting his children to leave the house.
Once they reach speaking age, all bets are off the table as their little personalities develop as to whether they will fall in line or not.
Will today be a "YES" day or a "NO" day? Is procrastination just innately woven into my child's darn personality or will he focus today? How do I get this little tiny person to get into his bed??
The truth is there is no answer to this. There is no real way to control it, except to try to modify the behavior. How we modify the behavior will do a lot to shape the narrative our children take into their lives.
One of the things I hear that really bothers me even today is predicated on something I heard a lot in my day while growing up.
Kids these days don't respect their elders.
It's true - they don't. But why would they? Or better yet why should they?
It's as if these children should have been born into this world with some sort of decency to know that older people have paid their dues and just know things. That they are supposed to understand that the roof over their respective heads and food being shoveled into their mouths isn't a given for everyone?
I simply ask - How would they know this?
Are you, as a parent, actually expecting a three or four-year-old who doesn't yet understand the idea of time or telling time to understand the larger and non-tangible concept of respect? Seriously? I realize most parents are in the same rut of reiterating the exact same thing they heard from their parents.
Respect is something we as a parent must show and teach. We can't expect them to just know it, particularly once they get to school, a place where they'll pick up gobs of interesting phrases and words you never thought possible.
My five-year-old has two responsibilities in the morning: to get dressed and make his bed. That's all, just two.
He's a pretty bright child, having taken to building Lego kits all by himself that far exceed his age starting about six months ago right as he was about to turn five. He's built the Space Shuttle, a car, an airplane, a speed boat, a yacht, etc. etc. He can focus when he wants.
Yet, if I told you these two responsibilities take him longer to do than the five mile run most navy cadets do in the mornings I doubt you'd be surprised. And for awhile my wife and I would react with frustration and occasionally anger. To say it didn't solve the problem is an understatement.
The first thing that has dawned on me --- he doesn't go to his room with the intent to disobey my request. I don't believe that. I think he goes there often with the intent of getting dressed, but, like most children, he wants to cuddle first thing in the morning with his mom and dad; he finds his airplane isn't on the shelf the way he wants it to look; there's a song in his head he just wants to sing or dance to; and hey, look at me in my mirrored closet, naked! I look good.
He would often say he needs help. What was my reply? Well, my wife and I fell back on another of those responses our parents put on us -- "you're five years old now. You should be able to do this by yourself."
Side note: I have found that nearly all statements that use the word SHOULD are not only factually incorrect, but just horribly critical. Should is what I wish he would do. Not what he can do necessarily. Whenever you argue with someone and should comes out of your mouth, stop yourself and think about it.
Maybe he can, maybe he can't. Maybe he actually needs help from all the distractions.
By the way, all of this narrative of what he should be able to do and how he's disobeying us resulted in some very unpleasant mornings and every time we STILL ran late.
So, as his parent, I simply decided that scolding him doesn't work. Yelling doesn't work. Punishing doesn't work either. So I did what I should have done long ago. I held his hand. I walked into his room and I stood there with him and helped him get dressed, helped him with the parts of making his bed that were tricky, and voila.... calm in the morning. No more being late. No more yelling.
What did it cost me? The cost was a few extra moments of my time to parent him with consideration and understanding. I believe that is already paying dividends in our closeness as well.
In the end, I am reminded to beware the parental narratives that are handed down through the generations. They are often wrong and even silly. More importantly, when I find myself now getting frustrated at something I think my kids are doing deliberately wrong, or simply not doing fast enough, I take a moment to breathe, remind myself that I'm the one in charge here, and take the extra few moments to show my kids that love and respect matter most in times they aren't at their best.
A few extra moments out of my busy day now I believe will pay long-term dividends later.
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