CHILDREN SHOULD RESPECT THEIR ELDERS

 CHILDREN SHOULD RESPECT THEIR ELDERS!

I’m a parent of two.  I’m not a psychologist.  However, by default, the job of parent is made up of many different fields.  I am part psychologist, amateur of course.  I’m part doctor.  I’m part educator.  I’m part healer.  And I’m part guidance counselor.

One of the toughest things for me about being a parent is watching other parents, as I’m sure it is for you too.  We all have pre-ordained thoughts handed down from the generations before us as to what a model parent looks like.  In the natural order of things, a good parent to me looks like my parents.  That’s the default.  I think I turned out all right.  So, they must have done something right.  

Most of us turn out all right.  Not everyone turns out ok.  And by that, I mean there is a difference between being functionally able to hold a job and earn income, buy a house and a car, get married, have pets and kids.  That is being all right.  But most of us are not OK.  By OK, I mean satisfied with how things have gone in our lives and how positive we look at the future.  I often feel unvalued, disrespected, and challenged emotionally to keep it all together day in and day out.  It’s probably one of the reasons I write.

When I trace back the little things in my life that didn’t go how I might have wanted them, there are a plethora of reasons.  Yet, one of the major ones is something I had no control over, and that’s who my parents were.   None of us have that choice.  It’s the luck of the draw.  Some of us start life off winning the lottery, and I don’t mean you’re born into a rich family.  Rich does not equal healthy, as I think we all know.

One of the aphorisms that seems to unify all parents is that children should have respect for their elders.  It’s how our parents were brought up, and so naturally, we expect our children to be no different.  I think we can all agree this is a good idea.  Ah, but there is that awful word--- SHOULD

The word SHOULD is a terrible word if you think about it.  The word should is loaded with implications of universal knowledge; that there is some unified way of thinking everyone abides by.  In the case of our elders, children SHOULD respect them.  But what is an elder?  Well, firstly, someone older than you, right?  Your sister is the eldest child, meaning the oldest.  But the word elder means more than just having age on your side.  One of the synonyms of elder is ‘leader’.  To be a leader simply doesn’t mean being older.  It suggests a level of wisdom, or learnedness.

So back to the original issue.  Our children SHOULD respect their elders.  Then why is it so many elders don’t understand that children aren’t born with a sense of respect?  In fact, children aren’t born with much of anything – simply a mechanism to alert us they need food, warmth, sleep, and we all know what this is– crying.  They cry.  Then there is the genetic information they get such as eye color, hair color, skin tone, how quickly they learn, and hopefully, their health.

If an elder expects to be treated with respect, then it would seem to be logical the elder enacts such guidelines throughout his/her community that reflect that moral.  Ethics and morals need to be taught, not assumed.  And it is my experience that so many parents I overhear simply expect their child to listen without questioning, trust without hesitating, and love unconditionally without the parent having to do the same.  

How is that possible?  Would you expect as an English major to get a first job at NASA and be put in mission control just because you saw rockets launch on television?  Because expecting a baby to learn right and wrong, respect and love, just because you’re their parent and you are the adult assumes an order to things that isn’t so easy for a child to comprehend.  Because the first things we begin to teach a child the moment he/she begins to eat is to eat on their own.  When they walk, we help train them to walk on their own- to be individual, and by such teaching give them a sense of their own innate value.  Then, the moment they can start expressing their opinions, what do we want them to do?  Shut up.

Children have limited ways to express their needs

I, as a parent, have gone through multiple growth spurts.  All of them difficult, all of them eye-opening.  The first realization I had and continue to be reminded of, is that children don’t respect their elders because they don’t know respect is unless I TEACH IT TO THEM.  I had to teach them to say please and thank you.  I had to teach them how to share.  I had to teach them how to be humble.  I had to teach them tact – the idea that you may get a gift on your birthday you already have, so you say thank you, realizing that if you didn’t have it, it would have been a perfect gift, and make the givers feel good about being so thoughtful.   I had to teach them that when not in our care their teacher is the person in charge of them through me, and I expect them to be kind and courteous to that person as if they were me.  

I have also came to the realization that when my children are going to be at their worst (just like I have bad days, too) I would prefer they do it in front of me.  That means I need to expect the tantrums, the nastiness, the backtalk, the contrariness, the throwing of things, slamming of doors and everything – as part of what it is for them to be the child. 

My emotional systems are set up in a much more advanced stage then theirs.  How on earth am I going to expect them to grow out of their tantrums and door slamming if I do the same when my wife and I have a disagreement?  How on earth do I expect my child not to hit other children if the response I have to my child committing a wrong is to hit my child?  How can I expect my child to speak with respect if my wife and I degrade each other in front of them or I talk down to other people around them?

These things are in complete disagreement with one another.  They do not work together.  I SHOULD BE BETTER, no?  And there is that word again SHOULD.  Should is a word that needs to be removed from the English language except when expressing our wishes.  Should isn’t a word that ever helps an argument.  Should is a word that is kind of dangerous.

I am not always better, but I can try to be.  I can try to remember that as brilliant a lexicon as my son has, he is still only 9.  That as promising an artist at my six-year-old appears to be, he is just that, 6.  They are looking to my wife and me to be the best we can be, and when we aren’t, to show them how it’s done when we fail.  Apologize, hug, kiss, hold hands and speak to each other with respect in front of them as well.

When my wife and I fight, and the children witness it we try to make sure they see how we repair things.   And if we can’t do that, then we show them we are hugging again, that what they witnessed was part of a healthy relationship.  They must be taught how to make-up as well.  

Children should respect their elders, no doubt.  But first, their elders should respect the age differential in their children by being their golden knight- protecting them from things they can’t see and handle at different ages – violence for example.  I sat next to a 6-year-old on one of the opening nights of Jurassic Park – a 10pm screening --- and all I thought was 'are these parents being the protective wall for this child?' Are they prepared for the consequences of not only keeping their child up late and possibly disturbing his routine, but of the nightmares and the processing that will go on in his mind when he witnesses a death on-screen?  Does this child understand acting?  Special effects?  

It gets worse than this I’m afraid. I know someone that trained their six-year-old to fire a gun and gun safety.  When I boldly proffered a slight objection, the parent assured me their child knew what kind of ass-whooping he/she would get if she ever handled the gun when they weren’t home.  To which I replied, yeah right because you know, children always listen to their parents.  That ass-whooping is quite the deterrent.  It sure stopped me from showing everyone who would look my dad’s rifle in its hiding place downstairs in our basement behind his workbench.  As an elder, ask the question whether you sincerely believe your child is old enough to comprehend the cause and effect of a gun and what it can do?

If we allow our children to seek out their screens as a coping mechanism or seek out our screens during our time with our children, just how as parents do we expect our kids to learn to connect to other human beings?

This scene look familiar?

I’m not preaching, mind you.  I’m asking the questions that I would ask of myself.  We, as parents, often forget that what we take for granted with age children have not yet procured in their youth.  It must be taught, and everyone’s learning curve is different.  To ask these questions every time we place a child in a situation not of their own making whether or not we are doing the work of responsible elder - won't that lead us in the direction we're hoping?  Won't that lead to our children respecting us?

In all things that are our society today, the one thing that we can certainly change is how we parent our children. Whether we make them a top priority.  Whether we show them our fears and stresses and if we do, how we explain it to them. It's a battle we all face and one that is not easy.  

That’s what I leave you with.  I’m trying to be the best elder for my child.  I wish you the best of luck and hope you will too.